Letting Go

While I was still dating him, my ex-boyfriend’s mother gave me a ring, a large greenish turquoise and silver thing from Peru. She gave me a lot of gifts, many that suited me and that I loved (like a white top that I frequently get complimented on). She had immaculate taste for me and seemed to know me far better than her son did. If truth be told, she was probably the one who kept the relationship going after month two. But this ring was a pain. It fell off, got caught on everything, and probably looked too big for my hand.

I know that a bad relationship takes two people and I have “my part” (shaming, non-communicative, etc)…BUT, NONETHELESS, I find it hard to believe that any relationship where the man frequently questions (out-loud) if he’s attracted to his girfriend (as if it were my problem) and compares her boobs to those of Pamela Anderson and other man-made creations could possibly prosper longer than three seconds (for those of us struggling with self-esteem…zero for all other women). What can I say?…I have some issues.

I looked him up on MySpace a while ago (in a moment of perverse curiosity) and read in horror that he’s now looking for, “Large breasted women who know how to rock and won’t be a pain in my ass!” (I have to give him kudos for being direct, though, I can’t really imagine that such phrasing would bring the ladies in droves…I hate to be sarcastic, but can you blame me?)

At this point in time, it’s all ancient history. It was only a year ago that I was heart-broken and bereft, but it seems like a life-time ago that I was hanging onto threads of slippery hope that somehow this person who I proclaimed to be my “soul mate” (blush) and “the one” (with exagerated air quotes) was “not really” (I’m on a role) a callous creep, but a man defending against deep and fragile vulnerability. Like the stereotypical abused woman embroiled in some domestic violence nightmare, I lived in the fantasy that I was in love with a man who felt things like compassion and love, but who wore a mask of hate…(deep down inside Hitler was sorry, he was just trying to look cool by killing all the Jews). Enraged and embittered, I didn’t know how to use anger to protect myself from that which would make any sane woman furious. I was stuck between my fantasy life and a guy who hated his mother. I wish I didn’t have such lessons to learn, but thanks to this guy, I don’t need to go there again.

So, wasn’t I writing about a ring? Oh, yes. Despite the pain involved in this relationship, it was still a connection that felt deep and meaningful. Don’t underestimate the power of pain, it’s a step above numb and any lonely soul will tell you that at certain times a painful bond is better than no connection at all. So, when it finally ended (a strange combination of excruciating pain and relief), a part of me must have still hung on to some hope. What else would explain why I would continue to wear the ring his mother gave me? It caught on everything and ruined towels and sweaters. It was too big and frequently fell off. “So, what if I lose it?” I rationalized. But I couldn’t. It’d slip off and then somehow find me again. Taking it having a substantial glass water, staying far from additional huge or greasy nourishments while detracting it, and staying from the mixing of herbal supplement which is grounded into the small powder and then formed into pills or capsules. generic sale viagra When a sildenafil in canada man suffers from erectile dysfunction and is unable to deal with his emotions may lead to this stage. This condition levitra no prescription is really very painful that requires consultation of medical expert. At any cost do not touch any machinery after intake of Forzest capsule as dizziness is certain effect of this pill which results in viagra from india online robertrobb.com accident. It came off at a do-it-yourself car wash and I didn’t realize it till I was halfway home. I turned around and found it in the gutter. I found it in stores, sidewalks, and my purse. I kept thinking I’d gotten rid of it, but there’d it pop again. I convinced myself I liked the way it looked. I even had a “New Moon Goddess” ceremony in which I removed the bad energy from it.

Last Sunday night I was salsa dancing and I found it missing. There is one guy I dance with who I always feel is trying to steal my rings. I was having a wonderful night of dancing. Salsa is my new drug of choice. I feel so carefree and sexy. Such great music, so many cute guys, so much joy…(I highly recommend it)…it was late in the night by the time I realized that it was missing. I looked for it, but not that hard. It was more of an excuse to get rid of a particularly annoying dance partner (I’m so much better at letting go these days)…

I have a feeling that if I call the place, they’ll have the ring waiting for me. My therapist would say that it’s hard for me to feel joy, to feel “expansive.” A big cumbersome ring, that’s safe and easy. Who would I be without the pain, bitterness and resentment? Who would I be without a guy who told me that I wasn’t pretty or attractive enough for him?

It’s a little sad to let go of what I once cherished. But I’ll get over it…I think I already have.

Just for today, I can let go.

P.S. I had to turn off comments because I was being inundated with SPAM. But, if you have a response, email me and I’ll post it.