Dunking My Cell Phone In A Vat Of Disinfectant Bleach

A few weeks ago I was peforming stand up at the Unurban when a cute guy showed up mid-way through my show.

“That guy is so hot! You gotta make your move!” said Gay Comic Friend.

I chickened out.  Of course. But he showed up the next week.

“Now you really have to make your move!” said Gay Comic Friend.

So, I did. I discovered that “My Moves” consist of me walking with an outstretched hand the way I might greet a potential employer in a job interview.  We chatted about hiking and biking. He seemed nice enough: bathed, well-mannered, and employed.  I gave him my phone number.

Let’s back up now for a second…my friend produces this show in which she expresses her unique raunch style-comedy.  I love lewd talk…from women comics.  When men are raunchy I usually hit the inner-mute button that I have developed from going out to “open mics” filled with men telling abortion, “fat chick,” and porn jokes.  After the first offense, I am capable of sitting there and not actually hearing a single word of the rest of the comic’s set. This skill is usually accompanied by a passive aggressive focus on my phone or notebook.   Probably be better to take it to the streets but this is the best I can do.

However, when women are raunchy and gross,I usually laugh and cheer them on because they are not just making a joke but challenging the establishment, asserting their sexuality, and owning their power.  This Female Comic’s set included the discussion of her relationship with a man who once hit on her with the unparalleled come-on line of, “I just want to taste it.”  Her impersonation of his raspy voice is so funny that I have shared it with many friends.

Just so you know Cute Guy had heard this entire bit.

A few days later, I receive a text from him.

“How is your week going?”

Very appropriate, normal…right?  We exchange a few texts until I receive the following:

“Has anyone asked you this week if they wanted to taste it? Haha…”

[Pause for dramatic effect.]

[Another pause for, yet, more dramatic effect.]

At this point, I couldn’t see much because everything had been covered by a giant red flag.   Perhaps if we had been dating, I don’t know, six months, I would have laughed.  But pre-date #1?  Some friends have suggested that he was making a joke based on another joke that I had found funny…fine. The joke tanked.

I did what I usually do when something bothers me and ignored him.  I haven’t seen or heard from him.  Is it me…? Or are guys losing all sense of appropriate conduct?

I do have nice male friends. I don’t think they text anyone questions about cunnilingus (at least not that they discuss with me, anyway).

Just for today, I am afraid of meeting men.

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