How To Do A Fancy LA Art Event

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Perfectly good couch.

Enough with the fascist dictator perv about to set foot in the White House, let’s talk about something really important: event parties.  It took me twenty years to learn that I need not be rich or successful to attend  “fancy” event parties (for lack of a better description).  I just need to know someone who knows someone who knows someone who organizes such events or has an extra ticket.  And said event need only have one characteristic: free food and alcohol. (Although, art, celebrity sightings and possible culture, can’t hurt).

So when I and friends got invited to the Art Show Opening Premiere I put on my extra-lash mascara, filled in my eyebrows, and set out to DO THIS.  But how does one proceed to do a Fancy LA Art Event? Funny you should ask…

Step #1: Sit in rush hour traffic on the 10 East for 1 – 2 hours.  Catch up with friends on your romantic life, political horror, and gluten free recipes.

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Perhaps, this IS the art.

Step #2: Arrive to the LA Convention Center and proceed to circle it for 20-30 more minutes in a misguided effort to find parking under $20.   Be sure to forget to navigate one-way streets so you can spend another ten minutes waze-ing your way back to the Staples/LA Convention Center cluster hell.  When you realize, as you will, that under $20 parking doesn’t exist south of Chinatown, succumb to the West Hall. The parking attendant will then inform you that it costs $25.

Step #3: Drive around the West Hall parking structure for another 20 minutes in search of a space.  I know, you already paid $25 to enter a parking garage; doesn’t that mean there is space in that garage?  Only with the assistance of a guy driving a golf cart, who flies by like the ghosts in “The Sixth Sense.”  At last he stops and makes a parking space for you between the exit door and a trash can.

Step #4: At last, you and your girlfriends arrive.  Walk inside the large open space of the LACC to find lines of people.  Security guard tells you that you’ll have to wait 30 minutes unless you have a VIP pass.  Are we VIPs?  Uh…yeah…?  Get in the VIP line and when you get to the front tell the woman at the desk that she looks familiar. Do you know Cherry? Yes, she knows Cherry. Well, Cherry left some tickets. This is all true, but even if it’s not, tell them you know Cherry.

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Like we don’t have enough naked women in public…?!

Step #5: At last, enter the Art Show!  Holy shit this place is huge.  Beeline for the bar.

Step #6: See people carrying plates of food.  Food!  Are those Pink’s hot dogs?  What’s in Pink’s hot dogs?  Who cares?   Is that a donut?….wait, wait…IS  THAT ICE CREAM!…realize that your behavior resembles that of a lost hiker strayed in the mountains for days.

Step #7: Eat Pink’s hot dog, tacos, brisket, buttermilk donut, churro flavored ice cream…salad? No, thanks…obsessive dietary restrictions are a thing for those outside of the walls.

Step #8: Low energy celebrity sighting.  Is that Jason Alexander in line for the custard?…Wait, is that banana custard with a Nilla wafer wedged in the middle?!  Assemble crew and get in line as if you were waiting for rice bags in a war torn country.

Step #9: Remember the art.  Oh, yeah!  Art show.  Ask your Art Historian Expert Friend to guide you through the myriad of work.   First get another glass of wine.

Step #10: Lose friends while at bar.  Friends call.  Lose them again. More calls.  Perhaps, the find and seek of your friends is an unknown subtle meta message of the art show?  So multi-layered!

Step #11: Watch performance art.   Appreciate a piece about domestic violence…but could the girls at least put on some underwear?  Watch another man destroy a perfectly good couch with a chainsaw…has no one seen “Exit Through the Gift Shop”? Realize that the contemporary art world deflects irony, the way our president elect’s supporters react to scandal.   No impact.

Step #12:  Find “good art.”  Nice contemporary Chinese piece using folded up newspapers…yes, art lives at the Art Show!

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Getting fancy.

Step #13:  Appreciate classic art.  Picasso, Monet…amazing.  If they are real, says Art Historian Expert Friend.  What?! Nothing is what it seems in art, politics or Pink’s hot dogs.

Step #14:  Go to a club.   Club? Yes, one gallery has become actual club, complete with a line of people waiting to get in and a bouncer rejecting those not up to par…is this a commentary on la culture…no, just people on the other side of a rope.  Decide this is the “Real Art.”

Step #15: Notice the mostly Latino workers picking up plates, glasses and trays. Minimum wage, no doubt.  Some of them begin to enjoy the spoils, but not all. Nothing is really free.

Step #16: Get in line for the ice cream.  Again.  Everyone at the Art Show seems to have returned to the line for a final free mini ice cream cone: patrons, workers, artists and freeloaders, like me. Decide that that a line for free ice cream is the truest art all night.

Step #17: Feel privileged to have gone to such a fun event.  Also, realize you don’t need to do this again for at least a year.

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