How To Spot Red Flags On Bumble

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Resting Psycho Face

Welcome to Bumble! So you bit the bullet and decided to join the throngs of humans on Bumble. We hope you enjoy our technology and meet your dream partner. However, we understand that not all of our users might be your cup of tea. To save you time and energy, these are a few of the types of Red Flags you might want to pay attention to as you wade through the murky waters of dating in Los Angeles.

The Serial Killers – First thing you might notice on Bumble are all the serial killers. Wow, you might think, “If I meet this guy for coffee I could get killed.” True, but then again, you are lonely. Of course, many of these men do not have plans to incorporate you into their genius ritualized murders based on a Blake poem that some sexy female detective will someday resolve. Some men are simply cursed with an unfortunate case of Resting Psycho Face. Nobody plans to take a “scary selfie.” But even if his photo says, “I like hiking, sunsets and ceremonial killing” he could still be a mensch who rescues dogs.

The Spirituals – Everyone wants a partner with depth but The Spirituals can cause confusion. They use words like “mystic” and “vortex” and “seeker” and talk about yoga and meditation.   They might see themselves as delving into the soul, but you don’t want to waste your chakras on a part-time yoga teacher who has dated more students than he taught.

DJs/Skateboarder – There’s a very short window of time when DJing is an appropriate occupation and an even shorter one when it’s attractive. I would say 19 to 19 1/2 would be an optimal period when the occupation of DJing could indeed be labeled as “cool.” Maybe longer. Whatever the age range, it does not, under any circumstance, extend into the 40s.  Any picture of a man over 40 in a DJ booth should be approached with the utmost sense of silliness.  Much like one would approach putting on a balloon hat.  The energy should be, “I know this looks ridiculous, but it makes me feel young.” If said man seems at all serious, he has yet to confront his mortality and may not be ready for a mature relationship.

The No Dramas – Some men in their 30s and 40s are very clear about what they DON’T WANT.  And that is DRAMA.  Move on, they say. I know a little about drama and I know that it takes one person to create it, and if that person is you, then don’t waste your time in this Drama-free zone. Because I am as cool and peaceful as a river stream. The No Dramas have no conception of shared responsibility in a relationship.  The No Dramas have no capacity to own their part and will likely blame you for any failure in the relationship. Also, any interaction that’s not placid or complementary will be considered “drama.” A discussion of ideal parking areas will soon be labeled “drama.”

The Interpretives – The Interpretives read innuendo in everything. What did you mean in your profile when you said that you wanted to “meet people?” Term like “fun dates” do not translate to dinner and a movie. Rest assured the activities of “hiking” and “yoga” take on a whole new meaning to the Interpretives.

This is a short list, of course, that we will continue to update. Please return to our blog for future Red Flag identifications.

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