Sexy Kettle Corn Bits Stuck In My Hair

I like clothes. Especially shoes. I’m a girl.  I’m not rich, but I did decide a few years ago to forego a retirement account and regular vacations for the sake of building a decent wardrobe.  I have found that the effect of a Cute Outfit can wash aways hours, days, weeks of sadness.  Apparel has less side effects than medication and costs just about the same as therapy.

On some days I’ll come home and instead of changing into my old, ratty “I understand the muppets on a much deeper level than you” t-shirt with paint splatters on it (real ones) and my hole-y jeans, I’ll stay dressed in Cute Outfit (Jean skirt, blouse, red boots) because it just feels…so goooood. Like there’s more to life than suffering, bills and sociopathic political candidates. It’s moments like these that I’ll think something like, “Hey, why don’t I make some guacamole?”  Nothing like mixing avocados and lime juice to create something green with the consistency of diarrhea that can splatter all over the place. [FREEZE FRAME: Fresh guacamole lands on my top.  A look of deadpan wrath overtakes my face].  Or I’ll think, “Why don’t I lie on my bed with a bag of kettle corn?” [FREEZE FRAME: Bag of Kettle Korn explodes.  Tiny bits of kettle korn to be found in bed and hair for days. More deadpan wrath.]

After I have cleaned up the mess, I thank God I’m not married.  I imagine a Husband Type Man  saying, “Why are you making a pig of yourself in THAT OUTFIT AND WITH THOSE SHOES?”  (OK, this guy sounds a little gay).

What would I say?  “Because I can’t stand looking nice without ruining it!”

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And he would snort and roll his eyes, thus, imparting his toxic shame.

SO GLAD I’M NOT MARRIED TO THIS GUY!

Just for today, I’m grateful to live alone.