What Not To Say During A Job Interview

Job interviews differ from first dates only in that most interviews don’t take place in a coffee shop and involve a panel of people firing questions while silently judging.  (They only require two people silently judging each other).  For me most job interviews feel like a long steady wait to The Moment when I say The Wrong Thing.  The Wrong Thing can vary from person to person, but, in general, jokes DO NOT go over well.  Here are a few examples of jokes that WON’T go over well in a job interview.

“How do you manage a difficult client?”

“LOTS OF WINE. AM I RIGHT…?”

“How do you handle the stress of a tight deadline?”

“MEDS…YOU VALIDATE PARKING, RIGHT?.”

“How would you describe your management style?”

“CODEPENDENT TO STALKER-ISH…LOVE YOUR KEURIG!”

“How do you motivate the team when there is a deadline that will require overtime?”

“USUAL METHODS…CRYING, PLEADING, SUICIDE PACT…DID WE CONNECT ON LINKEDIN?

Of course I don’t say such things.  OF COURSE.  I try to keep it professional, but my worst offense is that I often sound like a robot.

“What do you hope to get out of this job? ”
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“To create useful products, and stay current with technology….To create useful products and stay current with technologies…”

No one buys it.  It’s not what you say but HOW YOU SAY IT. And most employers want HIGH ENERGY, A POSITIVE ATTITUDE, and PASSION.

This, too, can go horribly wrong.

“So, how would you describe your work style?”

“ORGASMIC.”

“Why did you apply to this company?”

“TO MEET YOU GUYS.”

“What do you hope to get out of working here?”

“HUGS…?”

Just for today, I can revise my job interview strategy.