Swipe Time

Every few months, The Man secrets a drug that gives me amnesia around dating apps and I think, “Maybe I just have a ‘bad attitude’.”  Then I get back on Bumble with my killer opener: “Hi” —  followed with MY carefully crafted tag, “I’m known for my great openers.” *wink, wink* (I have this to a friend and she uses it, so maybe I’ve started a movement).  A surprising high number of males fail to get my ‘irony’ and say things like, “Well, ‘Hi’ isn’t very original or great,” and I have to wonder about the connection between condescension and ignorance.  But I just move on because life is too short.  And so follows the process below:

Step 1: Swipe about 20-40 males aged 35-50.

Step 2: Send my killer opener “Hi” to the 10-20 that I match with.

Step 3: Juggle seven chats making fun of cocktails and sushi or about being “tired” or, the great universal topic: coffee.

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Step 5: Ghost or be ghosted by every single “match.”

Step: 6: Repeat steps 1-5.

In no part of this process do I think “this is fun” or “romance is right around the corner.” I often ask myself how I ended up typing communications to someone I have never met at 7:00 am.  I have never made a single dating connection online.

I know that Bumble is run by a woman, but I can’t imagine that a woman would design an app built for maximum Irish good-byes.