Big Purse Lady

I have been experiencing some back and chest pain on my left shoulder. While yoga could be the culprit, it occurred to me that my membership to the The Sisterhood of the Large Purse might have something to do with it. After a quick Internet search, I found that yes, indeed, carrying 20-30 lbs over the course of years around on one side of your body can indeed cause pain.  But what do I do?  The article suggested the impossible: try a smaller purse.  But then where would I put my journal, library book, water bottle and 15 inch MacBook pro? While I don’t always carry all of these heavy items, my large purse holds many major necessities without which I might be stranded.

These include:

1. Toothbrush and toothpaste
2. Lotion
3. Scented lotion (in case my morning perfume wears off)
4. Antibacterial hand gel
5. Large make-up bag
6. Small make-up bag (brushes and eye shadows)
7. Hair brush
8. Kleenex (at least two or three packets)
9. Tampons (only a few more years of this)
10. Wallet

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11. Comedy notebook
12. Sunglasses
13. Reading glasses
14. Glass cleaner fluid
15. Earbuds
16. Car wash coupons (to be fair, these don’t weigh much but do contribute to a sense of clutter and chaos that I will only tolerate in my oversized purse)
17. Phone!!!!
18. Balled up nylon grocery bag (so ecological)
19. And random other floating items: lip balm, loose change, bills, an apple, and, on occasion, groceries.

I used to carry more stuff, including, perfume, deodorant, trail mix bags, and maybe an extra shirt. I often bring to my car extra jackets or shoes. How do people walk through life with just a wallet?! (And by people, I mean men.) I relate to Alison in “The Breakfast Club,” because “you never know when you may have to jam.”

I realize, of course, that some pathology might be going on here. In some unexcavated corner of my psyche I really do believe that the apocalypse can hit at any time and soon after every CVS and Von’s will be looted out of travel toothbrushes and then how will I brush my teeth? I am not sure where this came from, but it’s not new. As a little kid, I carried every single textbook to school and home in a backpack. I remember boys offering to carry my backpack (which come to think of it, is really sweet and chivalrous and I can’t believe I didn’t marry one of them), and commenting regularly on the heaviness of my backpack.  Not only that, but for two years I carried a FRENCH HORN a mile to school.  Not to sound the violin too loudly (which I never played), but I never complained and never considered a flute like a normal kid.

In my home, I am a neat spartan freak. (Just don’t open any drawers.) I don’t like stuff. I just can’t stand not being prepared.  Because when the big earthquake, zombie apocalypse, or tsunami hits, I will still look presentable for a few days.