And Just Like That…I No Longer Relate to “Sex and the City”
No one tells you that you will look back on your youth and feel massively embarrassed. I am embarrassed by things I said, wrote, and wore (hello flannel). And I am embarrassed admit how much the TV show“Sex and the City” shaped my ideas about dating and relationships.
For many years, SATC was the show I LOVED. Watching it was like a quick mini-vacation.I always loved the friendship between Carrie/Charlotte/Miranda/Sam, the brunch-time banter, even the puns (they are dad jokes in disguise), and the amazing clothes by Patricia Field. But mostly it was the excitement of Carrie’s relationship with Big. Carrie wants Big. Big is unsure…of course! Big is a heterosexual man who represented some kind of 80s/90s ideal. A finance bro who smokes cigars who sometimes seemed like maybe he could commit to Carrie, thus, posing the question: Will he…change???? (Of course not.)
But one day I watched a snippet from the show and thought: why is she wasting her time? Six seasons of this? And three movies? And a reboot? And I realized that my giving a crap about that what Big did was a sign that the patriarchy had done me in…AGAIN. We all wanted Big to “choose” Carrie. Nobody cared that they had nothing in common or that most of their relationship was marked by neglect, complete lack of interest in her feelings.
It offends me now that Carrie “landing her man” at the end of the series was some kind of victory. How could you have a healthy marriage with someone who dissed you so many times? Didn’t he leave her at the altar too? How in the hell did they get back together? Geez, we were dumb. Him dying in the reboot avoided the hard work of addressing the myriad of neglectful things Big did and how Carrie moved past them. This isn’t a show about couples therapy…it was what I call a “Journey of Self Discovery” show. Women can do anything, go on all kinds of adventures, so long as they end up married and with children. (She did not have children, so there’s that.)
“Sex and the City” is hardly the first show/movie to shape my ideas around romantic love. The first was “The Love Boat,” whose very name implies that the search for love can be found on a cruise ship… I have never known anyone to find love on a cruise (unless you count “The Titanic’“) but I did read that cruises are the number one place to murder a spouse. Perhaps this is why there has been no “The Love Boat” reboot, though I would definitely watch a show called “The Murder Boat.” The movie “The Triangle of Sadness” is the best thing ever made about cruises and let’s leave it at that.
As I moved into adolescence and the 80s I was victim to John Hughes’ movies. “Sixteen Candles,” a movie in which boys swap partners without any of the women’s consent or knowledge and The Breakfast Club” from which I learned that it’s perfectly fine to begin a relationship with a guy who violates and abuses you.
I recently finished “Dying For Sex”on Hulu, a show about a woman, Molly, played by Michelle Williams, who is awesome, who is dying of terminal cancer and determined to fulfill her sexual desires before she dies. These desires in no way resemble anything featured on “Sex and the City.” I believe the word is “kink.” Rob Delaney plays the love interest who engages in letting her kick him in the balls and shout insults as him has the amazing asset of *listening to her.* He is not mysterious, he does not waffle, he is honest forthright and he is there to answer to Michelle Williams’ needs. The true love in that relationship is between Molly and her best friend and care taker I think it takes the undercurrent theme of “Sex and the City,” the profound friendship among the four women, to another level…and let relationships with men be ancillary, something fun and weird to make life more enjoyable.
